If I owned an NFL team 2012…

I was totally there for this.

It’s that time again boys and girls.  Football season is here.  It’s week 2, and I’m already sad that we’re just that much closer to the season’s end.  Fear not though, my friends.  It’s time for the annual, “what if?” talk.  So let’s kick this pig…

If I owned…

… the Rams, Browns, Buccaneers and Seahawks:  I’d cry myself to sleep every night.  Yup, that’s about it.

Cry all you want. You’re not starting.

… the Jets:  I’d put my foot down with Rex Ryan and staff.  I’m tired of being known as the circus of the NFL.  And who the @#$% does this Tebow kid think he is making demands for trades because he’s not the starter.  Excuse me, sir.  I think you need to have another talk with your Jesus friend, because until he comes back down and starts helping you to even remotely resemble a QB, shut the hell up and get back in the Wildcat formation.  On the plus side, we looked pret-ty good in week 1… then again, we only played Buffalo.  I’ll remain blindly confident for now.

… the Giants:  Uhh… what the… I don’t even… sigh.  The Cowboys?  Really?  As in Tony Romo’s team?  As in Jerry’s boys?  Can we replay the tape last year?  Are we 100% sure we won the Superbowl in 2011?  I mean, I know we went into the playoffs only 9-7, but C’MON MAN.

… the Cardinals:  I wouldn’t be able to watch my own football games.  Kevin Kolb throwing to Larry Fitzgerald would result in so much breath holding that the lack of oxygen to my brain on a weekly basis would surely cause permanent damage.  I guess I’ll just have to settle for crossing my fingers and watching the ESPN highlights.

… the Bengals:  I’m not all that upset about losing to Baltimore.  If anything, I’m more impressed with Andy Dalton’s ability to sling it all over the field (despite the interception).  I feel like we’re a few offensive linemen away from having a decent offense.  I wanna see my defense again before I condemn them because Flacco was Brady-esque that night and it was a bit much for us to handle in week 1.  We play the Browns next.  This should be fun…

… the Titans:  I wouldn’t feel too bad about losing to the Pats in week 1.  They finally seem to have a defense and let’s face it… it’s Tom Brady.  But, I have a feeling I’m going to be missing Jeff Fisher later in the season.  But I’m definitely not missing VY.  I don’t care how bad Jake Locker is, the lack of drama gives my team time to focus on the more important things.  Like winning.  Also, what the hell Chris Johnson?  You got your contract, let’s start acting like it.  You’re so quick to blame everyone but yourself.  Kenny Britt’s gonna be slow to get to 100% this year, so you’re up, big guy.

… the Bills:  Even though it’s only week 2, I’d seriously start questioning whomever told me it was the best idea since sliced bread to give a certain defensive end a $100 million contract.  Especially when we just played the No. 25 offense in the league and he only got one sack… and then proceeded to blame the refs like a whiney baby after the game.  What does he care though, right?  I’m the dumb ass who gave him $50 million guaranteed.  I bet the Texans can’t wait for November 4 after he hyped himself up on Twitter with all that “Judgment Day” talk.  But, I digress…

Oh my…

… the Vikings:  I’d be Tebowing over how freakishly good AP played coming off what used to be a 2 year injury after less than a year of recovery.  That’ll teach me for doubting my own player when drafting my fantasy team… Percy Harvin ain’t lookin’ too shabby either even if it’s only Christian Ponder throwing to him.  I’m still realistic though.  I mean look at my division, there’s no way we’re not still the low man on the totem pole by a long shot.  Oh well… at least I can look forward to a new stadium, right?  RIGHT?!?

… the Packers:  I’d be a little confused.  I mean okay, we beat our rivals this week.  But considering all the receivers my prized, discount double-checking QB has to throw to, why is my offense not clicking more?  Also, what the hell, Rodgers?  Please throw to Randall Cobb more.  I’m not just saying that because he’s on my fantasy team either.  I mean seriously, the kid had an amazing game week 1.  Who cares if throwing to him would be predictable.  If it works, it works.  With Jennings out, we should’ve been bee-boppin’ it all over the field with Cobb, but instead we looked stagnant.  Get on it, Pack.

… the Patriots:  I’d be wide-eyed and quietly thinking, “Holy @#$% we have a defense.”  After all, isn’t that the only piece that’s been missing since 2004?  We know we have an offense with Brady, Welker & Co. and it’s only gotten better with the addition of Gronkowski who is seemingly unstoppable.  Let’s be honest.  I mean, if our defense is as legit as it looked in week 1?  The rest of the league should be afraid… be very, VERY afraid.

Please stay healthy, please stay healthy, please stay healthy…

… the Broncos:  I’d be, much like the Vikings owner, on my knee ironically Tebowing that Peyton seems to be back.  However, I’d still be cautiously optimistic that he’ll be able to take hits like he did last week for the entire season.  A few more weeks of him getting right back up and I’ll feel a lot better.  How about this Decker kid, though?  And Tamme?  With the defense that carried us (Yes, carried.  Screw all of you Tebow lovers left in our fan base, the kid isn’t an NFL QB) into the post season last year + Peyton Manning + offensive weapons?  I’ve gotta like my odds.  Looks like the Texans might have to eventually pass the Manning test… again.

… the Jaguars:  I’d welcome MJD back with open arms.  He might be a dick for holding out so long, but he also might be our only offensive weapon.  Period.  Although, I have to say Gabbert looked a lot better than he did last year.  I’ll still remain skeptical until a few more weeks pass – with less interceptions preferably.

… the Colts:  I wouldn’t feel so bad about Luck’s slow start.  I’d be worried if he didn’t play a little conservative or nervously.  Here’s hoping he can shake it in the coming weeks because our schedule isn’t getting any easier.  Like not even close to easy.  At least we still have Reggie, right?  Sigh…

… the Dolphins:  I’d fire Joe Philbin and bring in someone with balls.  Is this what I get for letting an Aggie be my starting QB?  Look, Joe.  You’re a nice guy.  Great coordinator.  But I need someone who will control our players.  Who will inspire them.  Who will make them play harder.  Who will make them think they’re more than just Reggie Bush.  I watched Hard Knocks, Joe.  I watched every episode.  Also, who in the HELL let Zac Taylor into our organization?  And as the QB coach, no less?  That pretty much tells you all you need to know about how we run things.  Shambles.

… the Raiders:  I wouldn’t feel horrible about this season.  I’d be a little confused as to why we’re not utilizing our No. 1 wide receiver like he’s an actual No. 1 WR… especially with a new QB who’s supposed to be one of the more competent QBs we’ve had in a while.  Even if it is just Carson Palmer.  I think I’ll just have to come to terms that this is Peyton’s division to lose this year.  Meh.

… the Redskins:  I’d gloat until the end of time that my Rookie QB took on the Saints in their house and won.  I would hang on to that glory like the Cowboys hold on to the Troy Aikman years.  Like there was no tomorrow.  Because who the hell knows how many more of those games we’ll have left?

… the Chiefs:  I wouldn’t know what the hell to do with myself.  Flip a coin?  Is the season over yet?

… the Chargers:  I’d be starting to lose my patience.  This may be Norv’s last year.  He can join Andy Reid in the hot seat.  I’m getting tired of this mediocre play when we have pretty good pieces on the field.  With Rivers as a QB, Gates as a TE, Floyd and Meachum as WRs… it’s time to get something done.  I’m not unreasonable either.  Just take us to the post season, and you’ll be fine.  Also, it’s time to stop making excuses and play like I know you can play Mr. Rivers.  Gates, pick it up please.  Week 1 was weak.

Evil grin? Check.

… the 49ers:  I’d be feeling pretty cocky right now.  Harbaugh 2.0 has been phenomenal.  This is really our division to lose at this point.  I don’t want to be thinking lavishly jeweled rings just yet but… it’s kind of hard not to…

… the Steelers:  I’d be praying to all that is holy that Big Ben stays healthy.  Please… please?!  Stay un-torn, rotator cuff.  For the love of Pete.  Stay un-torn.  If it were any other Broncos team we lost to, I’d be pissed.  But this is Peyton Manning’s Broncos.  I don’t feel so bad.  Plus, their defense is solid.  Speaking of which, where was ours?  I’m not saying I’m making excuses for my team because I know we can play better, but… well, it’s Peyton Manning.  It’s too early to be worried.

… the Lions:  … Play like that against an ACTUAL team and see what happens.  I don’t care that we won.  It’s the Rams.  We’re supposed to win.  Matt Stafford had better never have a game like that again.  Ever.  I’m serious.  In fact, go away.  I don’t want to talk about it.  Don’t think I didn’t see you play like garbage either, D.  Because I did.  I did.


… the Bears:  I wouldn’t be able to control my chuckling at Jay Cutler’s performance.  I know he’s my QB and I should be pissed and part of me is because it’s pathetic.  But this happens every year.  And this is what you get for talking so much @#$% before the game, sir.  I know it’s a big rivalry, but you might be the biggest choke artist in the NFL.  Maybe you should shut your mouth and do your talking on the field instead.  I’m not saying it’s ALL your fault though, Jay.  The O-line looked absolutely atrocious.  A nice easy win against the Rams in week 3 should give us the pick-me-up we need… wait, it will be easy, right?

… the Panthers:  I’d be fooling myself if I thought Cam Newton was going to repeat his last season’s stats.  However, I still expect results considering.  That being said, where the hell did our offense go?  Rule No. 76: No excuses, play like a champion.

… the Falcons:  … holy @#$%, Matt Ryan.  Please throw like that the entire season.  Again, I’m not just saying this because you’re on my fantasy team.  Seriously.  You have two of the best WRs in the league and people constantly mock you for not living up.  Play like that?  We may win the division.  After that?  The world is your oyster.  Here’s hoping our defense shows up this year.

… the Eagles:  I’d make sure Andy Reid knows this is his last chance.  Seriously.  I mean it this time.  I know your son just passed away, but this is business.  Time to put up or shut up.  I’m not saying I have unrealistic goals of winning the Superbowl, but if we aren’t in the post season, it’s time to part ways and start rebuilding.  Oh what’s that?  Vick got hurt again?  Alert the media…

… the Ravens:  I’d give Joe Flacco whatever he wanted to keep him playing like he did against the Bengals.  He sure as hell shut his critics up last week and I can only hope we don’t pull a Romo at the end of the year.  Keep it up, Mr. Flacco.  Keep it up.  Also, nothing’s changed since last year in the sense that I think we’re not utilizing Anquan Boldin enough.  He’s our No. 1 and we’re not letting him make big plays.  Same with Torrey Smith.  The guy has constantly made huge plays for us, sometimes even more than Boldin and at times it feels like he’s not even on the field.  I know we’re trying to be like the Packers and sling it all over the place because we have quite a few weapons (and let’s not forget Mr. Rice), but I think it’s time to start developing some seriously strong relationships between Joe and a few select receivers… *cough* BOLDIN & SMITH *cough*.

… the Cowboys:  I’d have a staff meeting ASAP to talk about how we’re not going to get overconfident after beating the Superbowl champs pretty decisively.  Yes, we looked great.  I’m sure Jerry had a boner the entire game.  But we’ve done this to our fans year after year.  Start strong and then finish like a bad punch line.  Please don’t make us a punchline this year, Romo.  Please?

… the Saints:  I’d be a little embarrassed.  I mean I’m not saying the Redskins are a pushover, but really?  We have the No. 1 offense and we can’t put enough points on the board to beat a rookie QB in our own house… I don’t even know what to say about that.  Their defense isn’t even that great.  Time to shrug this one off as a fluke (I hope) and move on.  We should beat Carolina this week.  We should…

Score on our D?! HA.  They score on YOU.  WITH THEIR LINEMEN.

… the Texans:  I. would. be. psyched.  I mean our Defense is freaking amazing.  JJ Watt & Co. are absolute beasts.  Arian and Andre are healthy.  This is our time.  National sports writers are picking us to win it all. I’m a little worried about our run game being hurt by the restructuring of our offensive line, but also a little excited that it might force the pass game to be more prevalent and we can see Matt Schaub do his thing in high pressure situations.  Wait, did I say excited?  I meant, uh… crap.  Oh well, in Arian I trust.  Our rookie WRs actually look quite promising and I know they’ll be key this year.  I told you Kubiak would work out… in your FACE, fan base!  Bring it on.

… ESPN:  I’d still fire Jamele Hill.

Well, that wraps up the 2012 edition of if I owned an NFL team.  More to come this year so stay tuned, kiddos.


Posted on September 15, 2012, in NFL. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Stafford was 32 of 48 for 355 yards and a TD. Looks pretty awesome until you get to the 3 picks. NFL record 4th 350+ yard game in a row. Tied with Drew Brees. Half the starting secondary injured and out again this week. Go Lions!

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